Dealing with Toxic Positivity
This blog post by our team member, Justin Lehmann, is a follow-up to this month’s earlier post on the challenge of excessive positivity in the workplace.
Exploring the idea of positivity has always felt important to me because as a leader, I often default to positivity. I’ve taken the Clifton Strengthsfinder many times over the years and positivity is consistently one of my top five strengths/areas of potential. For me, my positivity is like walking a tightrope between remaining positive in the face of challenges and coming across as too happy or unconscious of the real impacts. As someone who can lean towards excessive positivity in the workplace, it’s essential that I remain aware of my own intentions, and the impacts I can have, and ensure that I show up in a constructive and respectful manner. While positivity is generally viewed as a good character trait, excessive or insincere positivity is often irritating at best and downright toxic at worst. If you find yourself dealing with someone who you experience as overly positive, here are ten tips to consider as you work with them.
Self-reflection: Before addressing the issue with the overly positive person, take a moment to reflect on your own feelings and reactions. Can you identify tangible and objective ways that their positivity has negatively impacted you at work? Try to be conscious of any biases that might be triggered by their positivity and pay attention to your own story and relationship to positivity.
Seek understanding: Try to understand why the person is so positive. They may be using it as a coping mechanism, trying to boost morale, or might just genuinely have a really positive outlook on life. Knowing their intentions can help you approach the situation with empathy.
Private conversation: If the person's positivity is affecting the work environment or your interactions with them, consider having a private conversation with them. Choose a comfortable and appropriate time to discuss your concerns. Center this conversation around a desire to better understand them and improve your relationship with them—it’s unlikely that they mean to have this impact on you.
Use "I" statements: Frame your concerns using "I" statements to express how their behavior is impacting you. For example, say, "I feel overwhelmed when you portray everything in such a positive light” rather than criticizing their behavior directly, (e.g. “You’re too positive”). You might also consider sharing what you see as the objective impacts of their positivity on the work that you are trying to accomplish— “I am concerned that there are real risks that we are not addressing adequately if we focus primarily on being positive”.
Acknowledge their positive traits: When discussing the issue, make sure to acknowledge their positive qualities and contributions to the workplace. Let them know some of the ways in which their positivity adds value to the workplace and the culture.
Be specific: Provide specific examples of situations where their excessive positivity may have hindered open communication, trust-building, or led to misunderstandings. Concrete examples can make it easier for them to understand your perspective.
Encourage balance: Emphasize the importance of maintaining a balance between positivity and effectively engaging with real challenges. Encourage open discussions about both areas of success and improvement.
Suggest alternative approaches: Offer suggestions on how they could share their positive outlook in a way that feels more authentic and balanced. Encourage them to be open about their own struggles and challenges. Remember that what is difficult for you might be welcomed or appreciated by others so continue being specific and using “I” statements.
Be patient and understanding: Change takes time, and the person may need some time to adjust their behavior. Be patient and continue to support positive changes. Acknowledge the steps you see them taking and offer gentle nudges/reminders when they lapse.
Involve a supervisor or HR: Typically, this should be a last resort. If the issue persists and starts affecting the overall work environment, consider involving a supervisor or Human Resources to address the matter further.
For me, positivity isn’t intended to mask the real impacts of a decision or a situation. Rather, it’s about how I engage with the world and my goal is always to provide encouragement and help those I lead find a way through difficult things together. Still, I recognize that it is vital to find the balance between honesty and positivity. Inclusive leaders seek feedback so if you think that others might experience you as overly positive, it’s a good idea to ask a few trusted colleagues whether that’s the case. Trust means that they’ll find a way to tell you what you need to hear and it’s possible that they might even have some ideas about what you could do differently!
Through these kinds of conversations that lead to a greater degree of self-awareness, we can build empathy for one another and develop a deeper understanding of the other person’s needs and perspective.