Seeking Belonging: Navigating the Need to Both Blend In and Stand Out
In a world that celebrates individuality, it's fascinating how often we find ourselves oscillating between wanting to stand out and wanting to blend in. The Theory of Optimal Distinctiveness sheds light on this delicate balance, highlighting how our need for uniqueness coexists with our desire to fit in. We worked with graphic designer Maisha Rahman to explore the concept of finding comfort zones where we have a choice between standing out or blending in. This concept is one we explore in our Respect Individuality & Build Belonging core skill and is applicable for aspiring inclusive leaders because striving for this kind of environment is one that leaders must attend to in organizational life.
Proposed by social psychologist Marilynn Brewer, the Theory of Optimal Distinctiveness suggests that individuals strive to strike a balance between two competing needs: the need for inclusion and affiliation with a group, and the need for uniqueness and self-expression. According to this theory, we aim to find the sweet spot where we feel both connected and distinctive, avoiding the extremes of complete assimilation or complete isolation.
Each of us is: like all others, like some others, and like no other.
Henry A. Murray and Clyde Kluckhohn in Personality in Nature, Society, and Culture, 1953
Imagine entering a coffee shop in a new city or a place you've never been to before. The sights, sounds, and unfamiliar faces can create a sense of uncertainty. In this scenario, the instinct to blend in and not draw too much attention may arise. It's natural to seek a certain level of conformity, adopting the cues and behaviors of those around us to feel a sense of belonging. Our comfort level with standing out may influence the extent to which we choose to blend in.
On the other hand, there are places where we feel comfortable, spaces that have become a part of our routine or hold personal significance. These familiar settings provide us with a sense of belonging and acceptance. In a favorite coffee shop we frequent, we may confidently express our individuality, allowing our unique traits and preferences to shine. This environment encourages us to embrace our distinctiveness, as we know we are among friends or like-minded individuals who appreciate us for who we are.
Make sure that you are seeing each person on your team with fresh eyes every day. People evolve, and so your relationships must evolve with them. Care personally; don’t put people in boxes and leave them there.
― Kim Malone Scott, Radical Candor: Be a Kick-Ass Boss Without Losing Your Humanity
Our level of comfort with standing out plays a vital role in how we navigate different social contexts. Some individuals thrive on being the center of attention, relishing the opportunity to express their uniqueness regardless of the setting. Others may prefer a more reserved approach, finding solace in the background. Recognizing and honoring these differences is crucial for cultivating a diverse and inclusive workplace where individuals can choose to blend in or stand out based on their personal comfort and preferences. Inclusive leaders demonstrate curiosity when offered opportunities to observe these differences. Attending the unique ways in which individuals hunger for both distinctiveness and familiarity will help inclusive leaders ensure that they are cultivating a culture of genuine belonging. We’ve been gratified to see that more and more companies are recognizing the importance of effectively measuring their employees’ sense of belonging and engagement. Our Inclusive Culture Survey is just one example of a host of incredible surveys available that measure both classic engagement and add in the more elusive and complex culture indicators like belonging, psychological safety, and openness.
The Theory of Optimal Distinctiveness reminds us that we are multifaceted beings with the capacity for both conformity and self-expression. We feel that the graphic we developed with Maisha, beautifully captures this dynamic. It illustrates how we each have spaces where we feel comfortable standing out, as well as spaces where we may choose to blend in. Embracing our unique traits and preferences while also honoring the need for connection and belonging allows us to navigate the world with authenticity and confidence. So, let us celebrate our individuality, embrace our distinctiveness, and respect the choices of others as we collectively weave this intricate tapestry that is our shared human experience.